This is the way.

It’s true, that wasn’t an entirely fair comparison, but I was thinking about disastrous adaptations, and that one sprang to mind.

Say, for example, Kubrick and The Shining or Ridley Scott and Blade Runner or Jackson and The Lord of the Rings, as opposed to Shyamalan and The Last Airbender or Jackson and The Hobbit.

Honestly, if Jesse Eisenberg had just been doing a version of his Zuckerberg from The Social Network, it would have been fine. His whole twitchy routine was weird as fuck.

Virtually anything with a Newberry Medal is highly likely to have a traumatizing beloved character death somewhere in it. Maniac Magee and Bridge to Terabithia were good examples from my childhood.

You can improve the effect by putting a couple of forks or metal chopsticks deep into the food before starting the microwave. This will help conduct the heat further down into the food during the cooking process.

Also, put a liberal sprinkling of pure silicon on top of your human food for human beings before placing it within your human consumption orifice.

What could possibly be the point of doing such a thing?

I wonder if he was trying to mate with the toilet.

With as many problems as the Hobbit movie trilogy had, I can say one thing for sure: Martin Freeman was a perfect Bilbo. Him being constantly irritated that he wasn’t able to sit comfortably and have a meal, all the way from the Shire to the Battle of Five Armies, was flawless. Freeman was a very good John Watson in the BBC Sherlock, but if The Hobbit movies had been better then his Bilbo would have been up there with RDJ as Tony Stark and Patrick Stewart as Professor X as greatest casting decisions of all time.

Quark: I think I figured out why Humans don’t like Ferengi.

Sisko: Not now, Quark.

Quark: The way I see it, Humans used to be a lot like Ferengi: greedy, acquisitive, interested only in profit. We’re a constant reminder of a part of your past you’d like to forget.

Sisko: Quark, we don’t have time for this.

Quark: You’re overlooking something. Humans used to be a lot worse than the Ferengi: slavery, concentration camps, interstellar wars. We have nothing in our past that approaches that kind of barbarism. You see? We’re nothing like you… we’re better.

DS9, The Jem’Hadar (1994)

Millipede using its hundreds of legs to rapidly type code into a stone keyboard: Ehh! It’s a living!

It’s not enough to make money.

It’s not enough to make more money than last year.

You’ve got to make more money and at a faster rate of increase than last year, every single year, or else as far as the execs are concerned, you’re a fucking failure. Hence, everything getting worse, more expensive, and generally shittier all the time.

Everyone should read Motel of the Mysteries.

Bears

Since I Left You - Avalanches

Scientist: It’s for the good of the planet! [releases plastic-eating bacteria into the wild]

[Later, in the smoldering ruins of a post-plastocalyptic future…]

Former Scientist Now Pottery Shard Crusher: Okay, maybe that was a mistake.

He’s a great guy. Fantastic actor. Love him. He’s a weird-looking dude.

Meanwhile:

What’s the comic where someone sees the turtles eating extra cheesy pizza with their bare hands while literally living in a shit-covered sewer and they absolutely barf all over themself?

Edit: Found it!

Just like how everyone’s a little bit trans!