The partner is thinking about getting evaluated after getting recently recommended. One of the more important factors for them is that they can potentially be prescribed medication that suits their needs better for their anxiety than the one they’re already using.

It probably could be extended to other types of medication too.

First of all I’m sorry that you’re struggling with this. As a parent, I’m sure it must be difficult to see so many things reflected in your kid, but in an entirely different context of autism.

A couple pointers:

This is rather semantic, but the modern understanding of autism is that it’s a spectrum. Asperger’s is no longer an official diagnosis, but using the word can clarify what type of autism you’re dealing with. Autism comes in a myriad of forms.

I also want to say, I think an adult diagnosis can help in understanding yourself, and understanding your own relation to the world. It can re-contextualize your experiences you’ve had. And it can help you deal with current and future challenges. You may not need educational help, but many people who are diagnosed with anything like adhd or autism struggle with something in their lives, a struggle that mostly stems from being neuro-atypical. Educational, vocational or professional challenges are not the only things people with autism can struggle with. I struggle with human contact, intimacy, connection and black and white thinking, for example.

Lastly, and I know this may be hard to read. And please don’t take this personally. This isn’t your Kids fault. I only say this because it is something that happens sometimes. A parent learns about their own struggles, their own challenges, through their kid’s diagnosis and care, and sometimes parents can’t separate the kid from their own challenges anymore. This isn’t necessarily directed at you, OP. But they need you right now, no matter how much you may be hurting yourself. Being diagnosed as a kid can be terrifying. My first question when I was diagnosed at 9 years old was ‘Am I gonna die?’

I hope you have people to lean on. Truly do. You need to decide if you need a diagnosis for yourself. If that’s gonna help you make life easier, understand yourself and your place in the world better. Maybe talk to people who went through that when they were older. I know some people who had a late diagnosis and even though it messed them up for a few days (I mean, you put your entire life in a different context, it’s not nothing) it ultimately helped them.

Hope it helps. Wishing you and the kid the best. Take care.

I’m in the same boat. When it comes to diagnosis I suppose it depends how secure you are. If you’ve made your peace with the behaviours, adapted and possess a healthy self awareness then you probably also have the right people around you. A diagnosis is just gonna confirm what you already know and the benefits are limited to advice about accessing educational resources and perhaps a network of fellows. Maybe it’s better to focus your time, attention and resources on helping your kid if you’re happy in your life. On the other hand, if money were no object I would seek a professional opinion. I don’t see any downsides other than the cost.

Sorry if this seems stupid.

It’s not stupid. It’s where I was for a while (I’m in my 50s now) figuring a d/x would tell me what I probably already knew but would also carry a bit of a stigma with it. Like you, I’d learned to adapt, but the thing I didn’t see for myself was how hard I’d been working to hide that there was anything to adapt to.

At my wife’s urging, I sought an evaluation and in retrospect I’m very glad I did. The results came back mostly telling me things I already knew (I’m super-smart in specific ways, distinctly average in particular ways) but the thing I didn’t see coming was that a d/x would put my marriage in the context of my Autism, and that means my wife gives me grace she didn’t before when it comes to my hyperfocus and attention deficits, for when I need to leave social situations because I’m out of my social-energy budget, stuff like that.

Things that used to annoy or embarrass my wife (that when a social situation became too much for me I’d ghost, that I’d struggle in circumstances where unfairness feels intolerable, etc.) now show up to her as me responsibly doing self-care, or as me living my values as my identity- and instead of bending herself to fixing those broken parts of me, she understands that these are just me doing my best job of peopling in the face of how my brain works. Long story short, being understood in this light gets me better understood, I’ll never regret it. Not feeling like I’m an imposter with broken parts that must be hidden is sooooo good.

After recognizing the value of this dynamic in my marriage (and in my relationships with my wife’s friends) I made it a project to recreate it in my workplace- and it happens that as my co-workers re-contextualized my foibles and eccentricities into that light, it became a lot easier for me to ask the kinds of questions I’ve long not asked for fear of looking dumb- and they’re more than happy to answer and so much has gotten so much easier. Not feeling like I have to mask is a great big relief.

Along the way, freeing myself up in the contexts of my marriage and in my career, I’ve found ways to be a better parent as well as be a husband and co-worker. It’s as if masking doesn’t work.

Of course, like any good denizen of the spectrum™, I’ve made unpacking my own neurodiversity into a special interest. It explains soooo much. (there’s too much to pithily explain, I’ll spare you the info dumping in this thread)

Perhaps non-intuitively, recognizing all the ways I’ve been living life the hard way (masking, avoiding social interactions I’ve been thirsty to participate in for fear of being too weird) brings quite a bit of grief with it- why did I do all that the hard way when it’s easier not to? Processing all of that is quite a bit of work, but it’s oh so liberating.

I’m grateful for my adult diagnosis (at age 35) because all of a sudden things made sense. I wasn’t being lazy - people liked to call me that, because on a good day with a topic that interests me I will outperform most people. The logical conclusion was if I can do it once, i can do it all the time, and when my performance is subpar it must be because I’m lazy.

The diagnosis has become my shield and armor. I’m not lazy, my brain just refuses to engage on things that do not interest me. There’s no way I’ll ever get economics, and it’s not because I’m lazy.

It helped me be kind to myself and adjust my plans and choices to my nourology. I may be shitty at economics and in being tactful with people, but I’m a great softwaretester, because I do care about people and want to help avoid making people cranky with dumb mistakes in software. The helpless rage I get from a piece of malfunctioning software is something I want to minimize.

Instead of struggling I enjoy my work now, and having a diagnosis allows me to communicate to people what to expect. I can’t read between the lines - if you want me to do A, tell me so. Don’t mention to me that B and C need someone that needs doing, because I may or may not get you want me to do that - but I sure as hell won’t get that you also want me to do A, even if it is a prerequisite.

I’m able to say that I work better with a dark, quiet place, so please don’t seat me next to the person who has meetings all day. I can probably work without these accomodations, but I’ll be miserable and my work quality will be poor.

Coming back to your question: you don’t need a diagnosis per se. I know people that I suspect are autistic but they would probably feel worse knowing it. But what I think you should do is read up on autism like crazy. For your kid, but also for yourself. Read accounts from autistic people, look for autistic spaces. There’s plenty of organizations that care for profit and not for actually helping autistic people.

What you will gain is insight into how autistics manage life, what helps them, and youecaneuse that knowledge to help your kid and maybe even find ways to improve your environment. Even if you feel well-adjusted, maybe understanding why something works for you and how youecan make it better can help.

The benefit in the diagnosis for me was understanding myself and the ability to adjust my environment to my needs. For me, the diagnosis is incredibly helpful, but for you and your unique situation, it may not. I heard from people in other places that an official diagnosis has negative legal effects on them. Go research, take away what you need, and once you digested the idea and feel you understand more about it ask yourself again if a diagnosis could benefit you.

You’ve lived so long without, a year or two probably won’t make a difference. If anything, hopefully more doctors are aware of autism and able to successfully diagnose you.

I’m perfectly comfortable having self-diagnosed. The diagnosis fits me like a glove, explains so much, and has reframed my entire life in a way that can now be (re)interpreted in a healthy way. My only regret is that I wasn’t diagnosed much, much sooner. (I’ve only known for going on 2 years and I’m in my 50’s.) I don’t see a particular need, in my personal case, to get professionally diagnosed. However, if you’re not comfortable self-diagnosing and you are on the spectrum then getting an official diagnosis really could be a life changing event.

I 100% agree with what @BeautifulMind said and it’s what I would have written, except I’m not that skilled of a writer. :)

For me, getting diagnosed as an adult was more about closure

If you are 100% sure, then there probably isn’t much benefit. For me, part of the reason for adult diagnosis was to get rid of the imposter syndrome

If you’re doing well and don’t need therapy or even accommodations at work, then I guess just be happy you’re doing well! Diagnosis doesn’t mean you automatically should be getting help and change everything around. You can use that information as purely informative, like, “oh, that’s why I’ve been doing that”. That’s a part of why there is an autism pride movement: for some people, that’s not even a handicap, it’s a super power.

Now that you know however, maybe it’ll be easier for you to relate to some challenges your kid faces and connect the dots and hopefully make it easier for him. I’m sure your kid would be happy to have a parent that can understand.

Diagnosis could be useful in being more confident that your kid has the same thing, but apart from that, yeah you’re not missing out on much. I’ve found it’s a touch easier to ask for things like flexible schedule at work with it, but I’ve earned those privileges at every job I’ve had well before I got diagnosed 🤷 I’m known to sometimes work to 5am because I’m stubborn on a problem but I deliver 3 days worth and then I’m dead the next day and everyone agrees it’s worth it.

I’ve wondered that myself. I don’t have kids but after looking at all the symptoms a lot of them fit, and a couple of friends have told me they “just assumed I was on the spectrum” when I brought it up recently. I had no idea, but I don’t see much use in getting diagnosed now I just turned 40…

I haven’t gotten an adult diagnosis yet, but my therapist and I discussed it because I had wondered what’s the point now (I’m 43). The thing she said to me that clicked the most for me was that officially having the diagnosis/“label” would let me join groups that for autistic folks and have some camaraderie.

Personally as someone who snuck through too I don’t think I’d ever get a dx. I’ve had deep moments of closure and certainty and they did not come from medical settings. However these moments require you to be looking for the right things, having the knowledge to know what you’re looking for and the perception to judge yourself and your past through a neutral, almost clinical, lens. My not-professional advice to some in your position would be just do a lot of research(you’ll probably be doing this anyway), let it sit, and if after a while you don’t feel like you have any more certainty, ask yourself again if you want to get a diagnosis. Just as a caveat I wanna write that this advice is not for anyone who is eligible to receive benefits that would improve their quality of life if they got a diagnosis. The field I work in is related enough that I feel compelled to say that.