I know I keep posting over and over but I’m in so much pain and I have no one or nowhere to go to when I am sad. I’m trying to channel everything internally without being such a burden and annoyance to people. I keep asking myself “why didn’t he fight for me and his relationship?” “Why am I so easy to be given up on?” “Was I even special to him?” … I cannot stop crying. I feel hopeless right now. When we stopped talking for a couple days and I reached out for closure, he said not speaking for those three days makes him realize he should’ve been more appreciative of me and how hard I tried and all those things. But if he was saying those things then why not turn it around? 😔I sound like a hopeless romantic but I can’t wrap my head around anything anymore… the closure somehow made it worse I guess. I told him I forgive him for anything he thinks he did wrong. He appreciated that. I miss him so much. I miss our memories, I miss his face. Something deep down inside of me feels like I’m going to see his face again but I know that’s false reality. We never even got to talk to each other about these things in person. I just want to cry in his arms.
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It feels awful to have someone completely change what they want out of life from under you. Know that he’s probably been trending that way for a while, and it just took a while for him to bring it to words.
You’re going to get angry with him soon, but what you’re feeling right now is normal. You’re dealing with grief, and there’s stages. They’re going to take months-years to work through. That’s how this shit works.
There’s no substitute for time.
Take how long you were together and roughly 1/3rd of that is your recovery time before you’re going to have this as a distant, faded, annoying memory of a time before you were stronger and a more capable partner.
If you let yourself, you can use this as an opportunity to get stronger. I know it feels like the two of you were perfect for each other, and that you’ll never find someone as special as him again, in all the ways that matter to you; and you’re right, you won’t, because you’ll find someone that will be even more special and will really get you.
You just have to hang in there and give this some time to work through. Don’t go rushing into another relationship imo, I’ve done that and it feels great in the moment, but all it does is delay your healing from this relationship even more. It will make your next breakup even worse, and then you’re trapped in a cycle.
Take some time for yourself, give yourself a minimum of 6 months before you think about or start dating again. Nobody is emotionally ready for that out of the gate unless they’re sociopaths.
You’ll know when it’s time. It’ll feel right. I promise.
Until then, hang in there, and best of luck on the anger phase of this, that was a rough one for me and lasted longer than I care to admit before I learned to let it go.
You sound very young so I’ll answer as if I was talking to my younger self,who was in the same situation (multiple times.) The answer to your question is simply “time.” How much time is in large part up to you. My advice is to cut contact with this person, or at the worst, keep contact extremely minimal (if possible.) Probably best to just forget about him, really. Next, take a few months and just chill. Play some video games or watch movies. Reach out to some friends you haven’t seen in a while. Or reach out to friends you see a lot. Get exercise. Just kick back and kinda exist for a while. Then think about getting back into the dating game. Maybe see if there’s someone single you see often that interests you. Or do phone app dating or whatever.
My point is you’re literally going to be fine and there is no reason to believe otherwise. Later in life you literally will not give a single fucking shit about this person or this time in your life. It will be a distant memory. And it will also serve as a learning experience for you, to take to future relationships. Experience like this is HUGE. Most people date multiple people seriously before finding their spouse or long term partner. All those people dealt with the same thing you are.
I know this isn’t super helpful right now but hear me out.
This has been many many years ago but I went through a separation for over a year, got back together, and then eventually divorced. Swore I would never put my kid through what I went through as a kid but ended up doing it anyway. Absolute worst pain I’d ever felt at the time. Lost my house, went without a car for a while. Had to move back in with my mom. Pain eventually started to subside. Met another wonderful woman. Eventually got married again. My life is way better now than what I would have been had I stayed married to my now ex. What was absolutely the most horrible thing I’d ever felt, barely even registers now.
Eventually the pain will go away. But as a therapist once told me, the only way to get over the pain is to go through it. In 20 years, you’ll barely remember it.
I always suggest taking walks if the weather is nice. I recommend it to anyone. It’s free, not time consuming, pretty much anyone can do it in some form.
Walking works because it’s an action that doesn’t require thought. You can take in your surroundings, and place the focus on that instead of yourself. It’s the easiest way to get your mind off of something.
You can’t just walk all the time, but if the pain comes up, just walk. Leave your phone if you can, too.
I feel like a the rhythm of walking helps to moderate my thinking too. I make better decisions when walking, I’m calmer, I work things out. I’ve made key life decisions on long walks, and my partner and I deliberately take walks to work out difficult stuff. Great recommendation.
I feel like a the rhythm of walking helps to moderate my thinking too.
This is actual scientific fact. Walking is a great way to do bilateral stimulation which calms the body. It activated the vagus nerve and the and the parasympathetic nervous system. Not even counting the calming effect nature and being around a community does for you
I’m going to try to go out and get some sun today. I stayed in all day yesterday and today so far… just been eating and wanting to sleep. I’m so tired. But I’m going to grab a book, some music, walk, and see what happens then.
Give it time.
the urge to text him… but i know there is no point.
Nope. There isn’t.
I don’t want give you a false sense of hope, but if they so happen to decide to text you first: it’s okay to respond, but speak to them as if you’re friends. They have to know that you’re ready to move on. And then go from there. Who knows what could happen.
But you also have to prepare yourself for the possibility that you may never hear back from them again. And only time will help you come to terms with that very real possibility.
Is it bad that I would take him back if everything became okay? I just wish we could talk about everything in person. I never got to, when we met, we didn’t and I am so mad about that. He should’ve done it. But he didn’t. He broke up and didn’t talk through anything. I just want him back :/ but I know reality. What kills ne now is the idea that I feel like I am not worth fighting for
Why, so you can go through it all again, in less time? Then repeat in less time?
You have to love you the way you want and deserve to be loved.
Idk I believe people can change :( I know it probably won’t ever happen tbh. But it’s the fantasy in my head.
Why would they can treat you like crap and you take them back?
I pretend (in a non-grotesque sort of way) that the other person is “dead” to me and that I could “summon” them with a “seance” (text) but it’d be terribly unnatural and there’d be an awful price to pay.
Basically if I make my breakup Practical Magic, it helps somehow heh
Ditch everything and go protest in California for a week.
Guaranteed to refresh your mind. Tear gas is very exfoliating and you will get in some cardio.
Seriously, though, change where you are. Go on a little vacation, get away for a bit.
I wish I could but
- my parents wouldn’t let me
- I have school rn
- low funds
Exist in and feel those emotions, and then let them go as much as you can. As others have said, time will heal this wound. Don’t run into the arms of someone else or try to numb this pain; it’s important you feel it. Rushing into another relationship will only bury this pain by putting you in an unhealthy situation; numbing it will only lead to bad decisions and possible substance abuse. Let yourself feel this way, as horrible as it feels, and understand that it won’t be forever.
You will be okay, and to be honest you will probably be more than okay. In a period that seems impossibly long now but laughably short at the end of this, you will become a better, stronger, and healthier person with a greater capacity to love and the wisdom of who better to give that love to. It is difficult, but you will survive. And then you will thrive. Love yourself and ride this out. You got this.
I just dealing with something akin of that. I have her at my left right now choosing photos of a Paris trip I was not in. Want to tell me your story I tell you mine? Sometimes talking about it makes it heal at least a little.
I have a friend who all of a sudden was broken up with by their decade-long partner. Never saw it coming, never got full closure. Point is you can’t look into someone’s head and you might never get a definitive answer as to “why” and “how” and the sooner you accept that the sooner you can move on.
Sounds harsh now, but things end and this too shall pass eventually. Stay strong.
The real answer here is “time”. You’re grieving a loss, and it takes time for your mind to process that. It mostly isn’t a voluntary process, so the question isn’t only “how do I stop spiraling,” but also “how do I get myself through the time it takes to recover.” A few suggestions:
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Sleep. As much as you can until you enjoy your time awake again. Time you spend asleep is time spent letting your subconscious sort out a changed situation. It’s time spent healing.
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Fast. Fasting releases endorphins starting about day 3. A healthy adult can safely keep up a clear liquids fast for up to 30 days without medical supervision. Don’t do this with just water - clear liquids (see-through juices and broths) will keep up your hydration and important nutrients. The hunger basically goes away after day 3. The endorphins help make the time bearable, and help show joy is still possible.
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Meditate. This will be a hard one, because for best results I’m not going to suggest guided meditation, but rather a mindfulness meditation practice. You can do this on your own, but a meditation group can help you get past some of the misconceptions most Westerners have about meditation (the goal is not to stop thoughts from coming up, realizing you’ve become distracted is success rather than a failure, etc.) If you’re in college, there’s very likely a group on campus that holds sessions at least weekly. If not, look for a Buddhist temple or Shambhala center in your area. Hindu Dhyana and Vipassana are similar. The group will probably meet weekly, but ideally you would make this a daily practice on your own.
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Distract. Whatever takes your attention off the pain is a good thing, even if it isn’t as enjoyable right now as it normally is. Reading, TV, video games, volunteer work, hobbies, learning a new skill. As long as it keeps your attention on something other than the grief.
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Therapy. Again, if your in college, there may be short-term counseling available at no cost. In addition to a non-judgemental space to process out loud, many short-term therapy modalities offer tools for handling grief, sadness, and interrupting thought loops.
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I’m afraid you can’t really just stop it immediately. It will get better with time though. In the meantime healthy distractions are probably your best shot. When I was in similar situation to yours I started spending pretty much any free time I had on two things: running and learning guitar. Half of the time I was doing it with tears in my eyes but it was still better than just getting lost in depressing thoughts. It took me like 3 months until the breakup wasn’t dominating my thoughts everyday. It was hard AF but in this time I actually learned something, improved and rediscovered myself. Sport and music have become major parts of my life. Now, years later, I’m actually thankful for this breakup. I wouldn’t be the person I am today if it didn’t happen and I definitely prefer current myself to the past myself.
You just need to plow through the hard times. It WILL get better! I wish you all the best.
I have no motivation anymore for so much… it’s diminishing. School is a burden to me now, gym I don’t even wanna go. I know I get my off days and some days I feel fine than others but it’s all hitting so hard right now. It all just feels so real (which it is) and it physically makes me start heaving. I used to be in a 3 year relationship before him and I know I can heal but this hurts so much and I only known him for like 6 months ish (end of November)… it hurts so bad. I miss him so fucking much. I just wish me and him can talk about it in person because last time we didn’t speak about our feelings we just cried and he said it’s over and cried more and than laughed it off for a bit and continued crying, we stayed friends but then I decided to stop talking because I felt undervalued and it just sucks so fucking much. His last text just confused me and there’s so much answers I want
It’s like a week since you went no contact if I gather correctly. That’s still very early. In my case, for instance, I barely left my bed for the first 2 weeks. All the other stuff came a bit later. I don’t really remember how much exactly. So yeah, unfortunately the answer is still just time.
I might have another suggestion as well. For me journaling was kinda helpful. My head was full of alternative scenarios, questions to ask and things to say to my ex. Since I couldn’t do that, writing it down cleared my head a little bit. I guess don’t do that if it will make you dwell on the breakup even more. But if that’s all you think about anyway, then there’s probably nothing to lose here.
Sending virtual hugs your way. Be strong!
his message just confuses me and I can’t stop re-reading it. It’s been a few days - almost a week soon I can’t remember, I cleared the convo because I can’t look at it but it’s on my laptop still :/ I can’t make sense out of the message.
Apologies for the direct question, but how old are you?
In a couple months you’ll find someone or something new and exciting, and laugh at how this felt like the end of the world. Just make sure you don’t wallow in a pit of depression. Go out into the world. Do your hobbies. Find new hobbies.
Also, consider using more line breaks for readability.
hey, im 21 turning 22 in august…. and i know…i ramble too much lol
You have a lot of life ahead of you. The feelings will fade. Don’t wallow. You’ll be fine.
When I was a youth I had a lot of big feelings about relationships and crushes and friends. The feelings were real. They certainly took up a lot of space in my head, but they weren’t really proportionate to what was happening. Everything felt big because it was new to me. I barely talk to anyone from that time in my life anymore. I live in a new city with new friends.
You’ll be fine.
I am nearly twice your age. Pretty much everybody has been through a version of what you are experiencing. Two things you must know.
1: You had a relationship that was valuable enough to you that losing it hurt. That is special in itself, and you need to consider the good thing that you had. Seeing a concert is ephemeral, but you remember the music and performance positively. Think of the relationship this way, also.
2: Give yourself time to mourn. Mourning is natural, and it is a process, but there is an endpoint. Many have walked this path and come out on the other end.
You are young, and you will have many more experiences in your life. Some positive, some negative. But your life is far from over.
Take a day, go for a long walk at the beach or park or nature trail. Cry, weep, wail, knash your teeth. Then move on.
Hey, I’m going through something very similar rn. She broke up with me about 5 months ago and it still hurts so much. I can’t stop thinking about her. You’re not alone. I wish I had a cure, but just like you, I don’t.
How are you fighting the urges to text them? Do u mind me asking how you guys split?
Ugh good question. In the beginning I still texted her. I didn’t want to but I was unable to resist the urge. I always challenged myself to not text her for as long as I could, usually a few days. About a month later I finally stopped to when she told me it’d be better for the both of us. And I already knew that she was right. To this day, I never texted her again even though the urge is still very present sometimes. Every time I want to, I just think about that it won’t do nothing. I don’t want to be together with a person who doesn’t love me.
I did recently text her parents again though. I basically lived with her family and I miss them too, a lot. Just thanked them for everything and kinda said goodbye. At least until I get over this, then we (me and her dad) might meet again since we share a hobby that we want to do together.
We split because, long story short, she discovered that she doesn’t love me anymore. No specific reason. At least she couldn’t tell me one. She didn’t want me to be completely gone, she wanted to be normal friends but not in a relationship. I told her that this is impossible for me, it would destroy me even more, seeing someone I love who doesn’t love me back.
I’m so so sorry for this. It’s nice but probably also sad that you and her family are still close, especially her father. I don’t believe that one can just fall out of love to be honest… how? :( I feel like that’s normal with being with someone, especially for a long time. I think it’s all about reviving the relationship (doing things you used to do in the beginning, cute planned dates, etc) I know I shouldn’t be talking but I just never understood how someone can fall out of love, especially after so much time and love poured in. Why? :(and that’s how I felt remaining friends with him, I loved him and still do so much but I know I was nothing but a platonic bond to him after the breakup.
I wish I could tell you how that works… But apparently it does. There are probably reasons that she doesn’t know herself. It also took her a while to figure out where the “wrong feeling” came from. It really sucked for me too, feeling that something is wrong it the relationship without having any idea why or what. Turns out it was the lack of love I received. Reviving the relationship was also my idea as soon as I knew. But she did not want to. And I realized that if the other person isn’t interested in saving it, you alone have no chance.
Now I’m just afraid that I won’t find someone that nice again. And if I ever do, when?
I feel this. When me and him split I tried so hard for 2 months to try and fix things and try to get the relationship back but he said there was no hope and it crushed me. I spent every day of those two months crying and spiralling. And yep, I realized that too, I was wasting my time and effort because if they didn’t want to, then nothing will change :/ and that itself was such a hard pill to swallow. I know you’re afraid but you will either time, I sound hypocritical because I think the same too but I know it’s not true… it took me 5 years after my last relationship to be able to say “I love you” to him and mean it. I never felt that way, hence why I’m CRUSHED right now. But I’m here if you want to message me and vent about anything you’re thinking of or want to get off of ur chest without judgement.
Yeah exactly, it simply is the worst.
Yk, one the one side I know that I most likely will meet someone as nice or nicer again but at the same time I’m still afraid that I won’t. It just sounds impossible, even though I know it’s not. It’s weird. But thank you for that offer, seriously. Same goes for you too, of course.
You will and so will I, but we just won’t ever know how long it’ll take :| I can’t imagine myself falling for another guy to be honest. Went out the other day for my friends bday and her bf brought his friend so I don’t third wheel and I t made me miss him 100x more. Also saw someone who resembled him and tried to not cry on the street, I can’t have ruined her bday. But damn it hurt like a bitch.
Just remember that good relationships never end in breakups. So you’re mourning the idea of a successful relationship you thought you had or wanted to have (perfectly normal thing to grieve over!), but you can also celebrate that you’re now one major hurdle closer to the right relationship.
It’s a fresh start and now you’re armed with a whole lot more knowledge about what your boundaries should be, what to look for (or out for) next time.
Basically, the glass is half full! In fact, it’s more full than empty if you really take stock.
Just remember that good relationships never end in breakups.
lol what. I’ve had several relationships that were good, and then we broke up. We’re still friends, but it became apparent that we were no longer good for each other as partners. People grow and change. That doesn’t invalidate the time we spent together.
The secret to getting over a relationship is opening yourself up to the pain, letting it run through you and sitting with it for a while… don’t try block it or replace it and It will fade.
I found some YouTubers that do therapy type videos very comforting. Check out Heidi Priebe and another channel called actualized.org.
I found it better to be watching and trying to understand / heal than wallowing in the pain. I hope things work out for you
